Smile Twitter, Smile.
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Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.