Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years