My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
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I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My last name is Zilla.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
*frowns in Scottish*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you