When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
mood
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?