there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.