Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
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That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?