The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
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[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.