Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I didn’t come here to be called names
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]