At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
i love meeting boys on tinder
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*