[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
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Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.