Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
You wish you had this many chins.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I never needed anything more in my life
why isn’t he texting back
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.