Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
2023 was just a warmup
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun