My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
decorating my apartment
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Go hard or stay average
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Is fructose made with real fruct?