baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
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*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh