When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
North and South
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….