[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.