Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Rt to bother an English speaker
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.