I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.