[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
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[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.