kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Tremendous stuff
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.