Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids