Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
This is my favorite one of these!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I think this should do it.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this