*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan