Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My five year plan is a meteorite
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?