I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?