My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?