I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Battery falling down a hole
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well