me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.