[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
You Might Also Like
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.