I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
This checks out
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.