I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
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God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]