The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me