Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate