When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him