Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!