My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Love thy neighbor’s dog