DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
i wish i could marry a nap
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*