RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan