Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
If snakes were wide
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.