Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.