“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
That’s no pocket rocket.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Miscakes
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”