[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain