I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.