He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
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No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*