What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
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[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.