My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
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I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.