I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?