Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Spa day..😅
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.