am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
starting a garage orchestra
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
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I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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