The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Still laughing at this stupid meme